I think I spoke too soon about not gaining weight on quetiapine. I have gained 5lbs, seemingly in a couple of days. I have been eating during the evening after dinner so presumably that’s why. I am unsure if the desire to binge is a result of the drug or stress eating so my plan is to have my evening meal and then not eat until the morning.


Quetiapine Update

I am still pleased with quetiapine. My depression is far better as is my anxiety. As yet I haven’t put on any weight which is a relief because I thought I would balloon on it. I sleep through the night and the daytime drowsiness is improving. All in all 9/10. I would give 10/10 but am still wary of side effects such as diabetes, restless legs and tardive dyskinesia. Although these side effects are rare it still plays on my mind.


Today I am anxious about so many things, some of them I have absolutely no control of. These are the worst type of worries, those worries which eat away at the mind and just keep on relentlessly. I didn’t go to my mental health support group. Instead I slept. I increased the quetiapine to 250 mgs so I was a bit drowsy from that. I should have gone to my support group but felt somehow unable to. It would have helped to go. Also I didn’t go to my tai chi class which I love and rarely miss. Not a good day. I did however manage to go shopping to get some bread and I walked my dog twice.


Since as far back as I recall my head has always been full of negative thoughts, anxieties and constant ruminative worries. My default setting is tuned in at negative. Negative thoughts about myself. Guilt over past mistakes and things I have done and said, some of them intentionally. There is no forgiveness in my heart for myself. I don’t find it hard to forgive others. I think it may be possible to change my negative thoughts but fear I am too far gone (and old) to be helped. Medication takes the edge off but my negative thoughts can find a way through the drug induced calm. I am not sure my brain knows how to produce a positive thought. I know about positive affirmations and am going to give them a try.

Positive affirmation for today  I AM KIND TO OTHERS I don’t know if it is me who is kind. People tell me I am and I certainly try to be kind but it doesn’t feel as if that is me. I suffer from depersonalisation so nothing really feels connected to me. I am going to address this when I go to psychotherapy (am currently on the waiting list).


Still taking quetiapine, now on 200 mgs. I am noticing I feel very tense in the morning but not sure why. I do wonder though if it’s the television that I watch in the evening as I tend to watch high adrenalin programmes. Today I went to my mental health support group and we did a couple of mindfulness sessions. That helped enormously as I felt much less physically tense. I need to practice mindfulness at home. Sometimes though I get past the stage where I can actually sit and do it.


Quetiapine Update

I am now taking 150mgs quetiapine (as from last night). I am beginning to suspect that my brain finds a way to fight medication because I am not as calm as I was. I think I need to work with the drug instead of assuming the drug will work all on its own without any input from me. My psychiatrist has instructed me to aim for 300mgs. Maybe I just did too much over the weekend. Too much socialisation tends to make me tense even if I am enjoying myself. I find it incredibly hard to pace myself and I feel this is the key to feeling better (alongside medication and other self care techniques).

I have just started to take some B vitamins. I’ve always concentrated on B12 but recently read that B3 can help with depression and anxiety. I have bought a bottle of liquid B vitamins. It comes with a dropper so you squirt it under your tongue and hold for 30 seconds before swallowing. Also started to take vitamin D and Omega 3.


Bipolar Life

I am a 62 year old woman who has bipolar disorder, mild Tourette’s and a history of anorexia nervosa. I first started to have tics as a child and although they were mild they caused me embarrassment and pain( from feeling compelled to move parts of my body in strange ways). My bipolar symptoms first showed up when I was a teenager, followed by anorexia nervosa.

I have never blogged before so am a bit unsure of what to do. I want to make some sort of  sense and order from my chaos. Also I would like interaction with others out there to share ideas and coping methods.

I have a husband, 3 grown children and 2 grandchildren.